


I love you, It's Disgusting

by NormieScum



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Breakup Fic, M/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-05-29 05:44:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15066449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NormieScum/pseuds/NormieScum
Summary: Jean bites his lower lip to stop himself from begging Eren to stay, or something foolish like that.





	1. The End

**Author's Note:**

> Wowwww its been forever. I love Erejean just as much as I always have. I've just had one hell of a time writing and it's been horrible getting the motivation to write. And when I do, it's usually angst. Conflicted relationship Erejean hurts my heart and I like making my favorite boys suffer :"(

“Do you remember our first kiss?” Jean pressures Eren, one hand pressing a haphazardly rolled joint to his lips and the other nudging his ex-boyfriend’s thigh frivolously. His eyes tremble as he searches for something..any kind of affection from Eren. But the brunet simply respires, cardboard boxes filled with his belongings cluttered around the studio apartment leave a foreboding semblance that Jean has been trying to ignore for weeks. Eren is actually leaving.

“No. Do you?” Formidable recoil knocks Jean back, and he rests his head against the back of the couch. As he hands the joint to the other male he can’t even look at him. “I’m guessing you do since you brought it up. Why’d you bring it up.” There’s more dejection than anything in the way he speaks, he doesn’t want to remember a potentially painful memory. And when he asks about /the kiss/ he doesn’t ask. He tells.

“Ah it’s just the way you kissed me. It was like… even though we’d never done it before, I thought we’d always be doing it. It’d never end. Y’know?” Jean bites his lower lip to stop himself from begging Eren to stay, or something foolish like that. The brunet’s crinkles with concern, or struggle, Jean can’t tell. He’s given up trying to figure out his ex-lover’s little moods. “It was in the kitchen. You tasted like blue Gatorade and…” He squints. Remembering the memory so fondly that the rattle of his heartbeat was measurable by audible cracking noises. Regardless of the pain, he smirks. “Twizzlers. Your lips were blue and you shoved me into the fridge and you said ‘Jean, you’re unbearable’ and you kissed me hard enough that if I hadn’t already been in love with you I would’ve fallen instantly.” Eren, ever the silent companion, passes the joint back to Jean and exhales smoke. He’s dwelling on the memory that he doesn’t remember as clearly. Despite not remembering the memory it makes him restless.

“Sounds like something I’d say. I uh, I…guess I didn’t realize.” Eren avoids eye contact with the taller, for the first time in years he can’t find a single reason to hate Jean. Despite never being the one to initiate those petty arguments, he desperately wishes he could right now. Anything to get away from this uncomfortable confrontation.

“Realize what?”

“That you were in love, dude. You never really… said it.” Years of struggle show on Jean’s face; they’d only been dating for a few months and they’d been roommates for a year but…Jean had been in love for longer. In this mess of cardboard boxes and “If it means anything now, I was in love with you too.” Was. It took everything in Jean’s power not to yell or cry, he turned to face Eren with nothing but a look of shame and betrayal.

“How could I? You never gave me the chance, scumbag!” Jean catches himself, he’s been proactive in not calling Eren names. Rubbing his temple, he inhales sharply and starts again. “Whenever I tried you always pulled away. You didn’t want this relationship to work.”

“That isn’t true.” Eren snuffs the joint in the ashtray and he’s high enough that his anxiety is calm herefore there’s no need to yell at Jean. Instead, he raises a hand dismissively to the blond and shuts his eyes.

“Wake me up when Mikasa gets here to pick me up.” Unhappy with the other’s dismissal, Jean cups Eren’s shoulder and shakes him lightly.

“Dude..! Wake up seriously, I wanna talk about this before you’re just gone! We’ve lived together for a year and it still hasn’t kicked it that I’m gonna be alone—” Eren ponders over it and when he practically hears the heartbreak in Jean’s voice his eyes snap open. Even now, in the aftermath of their relationship, he can’t help his soft spot for him.

“Alright fine, let’s talk. You act like you’re never gonna see me again…”

“Am I? Gonna see you again? You never really told me. I mean, the breakup was kinda— sudden.” Jean winces at the memory and Eren displays the same discomfort. 

“It’s just that we fight. And it’s a lot sometimes. Too much, most times.” Despite his better judgment Eren extends a hand to rest overtop of Jean’s. “But you’re gonna see me as much as you want. Or… as little as you want. It’s up to you—” Jean stares at their hands. His are so much bigger than Eren’s and yet, he feels so fragile in comparison. There are numerous different ways he wants to break down. He wants to fall into Eren’s arms a sulking mess, mostly. Or hold his hand. To brush his thumb across the other’s delicate seemed like a dream. But instead, he looked at the love of his life and smiled. It was genuine in spite of his broken heart.

“Do you wanna see me? I need to hear you say it..” Eren nods and the warm smile is returned. It isn’t Jean that decides to hold Eren’s hand as the brunet gently turns his ex-lover’s large hand over so that he can intertwine their hands together. It may be cruel but Jean’s relieved.

“I can’t imagine not seeing you, Jeanbo. I…don't know what I’m gonna do with myself. Without you.” He’s silent for a moment. And then several moments. Eren opens his mouth to speak but no words form, what used to be so easy feels so difficult now.

“Then why are we doing this? We don’t have to, you know…” The blond speaks in a hushed whisper and it’s as if the declaration isn’t strong enough to survive the atmosphere.

“I’m sorry Jean, I-i can’t.” Actions concede words and in an enamored haze, Jean kisses Eren. A large hand cradles his cheek much more gently than he ever has and he pulls the smaller closer. Close enough that he can feel that hot breath on his pale skin. At first, the brunet presses a hand to his chest to fight his ex-lover off but, desperation and love concealed as guilt cause him to falter. He remembers an easier time when they’re on the 405 and Jean is in the driver’s seat. His feet are in his boyfriend’s lap and those illuminated road signs tell their own stories of traveler’s unknown. Eren misses most of all their stupid weekend road trips to nowhere. When the piece of shit car would break down and they’d end up walking to some shitty motel to make love until the sun came up. He’d fallen in love with Jean on those open roads and even though this apartment had been his house, Jean had always been his home. How could he ever tell him that? Especially now that it was much too late…

Eren turned his head to the side to disconnect their lips and he stood up. “This is goodbye, Jean.” Jean, who’s now on his feet too and ready to chase Eren across the west coast, brushes a hand across the brunet’s upper arm.

“Don’t… don’t do this. Is there someone else?” Uncaring if he seems desperate now, Jean reaches for Eren even after he pulls away. “I told you I’d be counting on you… and now you’re leaving me. Why the hell is that?!”

“Don’t ask me stupid questions, of course not. You can’t go your whole life counting on others, Jean. You need to count on yourself.” Eren shoves past him now but something causes him to stop. This hurts him just as much as it's hurting Jean.. even if he’d been mostly apprehensive before.

“Why are you leaving, it’s obvious you don’t want to. Why are you still running?”

“I—” Eren exhales in frustration, simply grabbing his bag from by the door before exiting the apartment. And Jean stands there in awe for several minutes. At first. But minutes turn to hours that he’s just sitting on the couch staring at the door waiting for Eren to come back. To come home. He can’t believe that Eren is actually gone.

Months pass and breathing becomes easier but he still thinks of Eren daily. He begins to consider that maybe he wasn’t in love with him though because the feelings start to pass and time… it moves on. He doesn’t see him or speak of him, but they coexist around each other since many of their friends are shared.

“I heard Eren and Mikasa are getting awfully close.” Connie’s voice erupts like unwanted feedback coming from a stereo from just across the room and its shrill enough to pull Jean from thought as he’s pouring drinks.

“Oh, /awe/. Cute. But…” Sasha sounds. . . disappointed? “Thought it shoulda been Jeanbo. I always did like he and Eren!”

“Can we not talk about this?”

“They’re gonna be here tonight, shouldn’t you get the like emotions outta your system now before he gets here?” Connie gives Jean a firm pat on the back and its halfhearted. “Sides’ you have Marco now. I’m your pal, I made sure to rub salt in Eren’s wounds and told em’ you were bringing Marco to the party as a date. He looked…more pissed than usual.” This shouldn’t make Jean hopeful but… it does. His feelings for Marco are simply platonic but the idea of Eren missing him even a little bit is enough.

“Ah…good, now I gotta worry about Eren too. You two know I hate him I don’t know why you invited him.” Connie and Sasha share /that/ glance that says it all.

“Yeah… hate. That’s why you look like a kicked puppy whenever anyone so much as says his name.” Connie cackles, holding his stomach and practically toppling over in the chair. “Anyway people are gonna start showing up so… I’m gonna go get ready, can you two handle things down here?” Jean mumbles something about Sasha being a typical girl but smiles endearingly in her direction before shooing her off.

“I know this isn’t fair to our other friends, but… you two are special to me.” Connie hums, scooping a handful of cheese curls out of a snack bowl to toss them one by one into his mouth. Jean, who has never been one to handle affection well, especially these days, shrugs off the comment but… appreciates it nonetheless.

“You’re…ever the flatterer, you know that Connie?”

“I know man, don’t mention it. How could I resist such a charming face!”

“Oh god, what did I interrupt—” Jean and Connie both turn to look towards the hall to see Eren standing in the archway, a deep-set scowl on his face. The apprehension in the room increases so much that Connie can sense it and stands up.

“Ah… well, threes a crowd. I’m gonna go check on Sasha.” For the first time in months, Jean sees Eren and all of those feelings come rushing back. And he realizes those previous calculations about not being in love were wrong. He half expects Eren to run like he always does but instead, Eren approaches him and for once Jean is the one that wants to run.

“Marco huh?” It’s easier to pretend than to admit that he’s selfishly using his best friend as a rebound.

“Yeah, what about him?” Eren doesn’t respond, instead, his hands clench into fists and the blond can tell he’s angry. The same anger that Connie spoke of and Jean hadn’t really expected it. “You ruined me,” Jean announces as if Eren wasn’t already aware that their breakup was particularly gruesome. Even if it was quiet and clean, Jean’s feelings weren’t.

“I’m sorry for that, can we talk?”


	2. Chapter 2

It’s a quarter past twelve and Connie’s karaoke rendition of Africa is so bad that Jean has retreated from the living room to the kitchen to refill the cracked red Solo cup with two parts Jack and one-part Coke. After turning Eren’s request down to talk, he’d been avoiding him all night, but he couldn’t avoid those side glances the brunet kept giving him. What could they even mean? Eren seemed happy with Mikasa. The tall blond leans against a counter strewn with half-empty cups and sighs. His own cup rested against his lips as he takes small sips from it. Already drunk, Jean drinks just enough to keep himself comfortable and warm because he knows if he drinks too much he’ll allow the envy to consume him.

“…You alright, big guy?” Sasha runs and gains enough momentum to slide across the tile floor in her socks and just barely catches herself on Jean’s arm to keep from falling to a heap at his feet. “Whoops! M’drunk—”

“I can tell…idiot.” He sets his drink down to hold Sasha’s weight up. “I think that you should call it quits on the alcohol for the night.”

“You’re not my boss.” Slapping his chest, the short female stumbles and pulls herself away from her friend. It takes her a few moments to remember that she came out in search of Jean and to figure out why he’d been acting so off all night. “It’s Eren, isn’t it? What did you expect Jean?”

“I knew he’d be here… I just didn’t think it’d hurt so damn bad.” He admits with brutal honesty that shocks them both. Sasha is so easy to talk to and when she realizes how real Jean is being with her she reaches for his hands to hold. “I miss him, y’know. I think I was in love, and—” Jean pauses, his breath hitching in his throat and his dry lips quivering. “I think in a lot of ways… I’m— still in love with him. How do you move on, Sasha? I don’t know how.”

Sasha is silent to collect her thoughts and there isn’t much she can say that’s enough to comfort Jean. He’s a wreck and she isn’t qualified to clean up this mess. “Have you told him all that? There's really no way to move on unless you talk to him about it. I don’t know what’s up with him and Mikasa but… you deserve closure, Jeanbo. I’m sick of seein’ you mope around like a kicked puppy.” They’re both painfully hushed once again and the deadly truth in the room finally comes out. It’s a bitter relief, yet the guilt paralyzes Jean as soon as the words fall from Sasha’s tiny, curved lips. “But— Marco isn’t a replacement for Eren…” She sighs in respite as if she’s been holding that extremely biased opinion in and despite Marco being his best friend he can’t help but laugh.

“Yeah, Marco really isn’t an asshole.” They don’t dwell on it for any extended period of time because the longing in his hazel eyes is enough to tell a tale of utter deprivation.

“At least come back out to the party..? Connie misses you!” She shakes Jean’s hands eagerly hoping it’ll convince him back out to join the group and it works because, despite the annoyed groan, he follows her.

“/Fine/.” Sasha is still holding his hand when they enter the room and there’s a scratchy voice bursting over the intercom that he just knows isn’t Connie’s. When he sees Eren standing on the arm of the sofa with a tie wrapped around his head to hold his long hair back, Jean can only imagine he’s gotten drunk enough to be dared into this. Not that he had any shame in the first place.

“Metal.. really?” Jean sits between Mikasa and Marco and Sasha sits in his lap, a beer planted firmly in her lap. The blond leans over to Mikasa and whispers to her just loud enough that she can hear over the music. The exchange isn’t awkward, despite his feelings and despite her and Eren’s relationship because the two of them had always been close. “Did you put him up to this?”  

“Trust me, I tried to talk him out of it.” The redness of her cheeks makes him realize that she’s probably telling the truth. Without thinking, he wraps both arms around Sasha to hold her closer and rest his chin on her shoulder. Finally making eye contact with Eren felt like a surge of electricity; a kick to the chest… he wanted nothing more than to kiss his stupid face. This meaning 'infatuation' was getting more and more miserable and it didn’t help that Eren was looking at him too… why was he looking at him?

There was something menacing yet stunning about that irritated glare he had, Jean couldn’t look away. Even after the song had cut out and Marco had taken the microphone from Eren. Sasha had returned to Connie and it felt like the entire room had shifted aside from the two of them. Maybe it was the alcohol or the overwhelming loneliness but when Eren spoke up once more, Jean nodded almost instantly. He hadn’t even heard what he’d said but did it really matter? Eren mumbled some uninspired, half-drunk declaration to Mikasa and tapped Jean on the shoulder on his way into the kitchen. She seemed to know what was going on and despite having a bad feeling about everything, the typically antagonistic blond was too dazed to question it.  The brunet trips over the edge of the couch and Jean is the one to hold him up; always the one to lift him back up and seeing how drunk Eren is makes him realize that something is wrong with him and despite how angry Jean is he cannot turn away.

When they enter the kitchen and the brunet slides into a bar stool, Jean hovers painfully close to him to the point of where he can smell rosemary cologne.

“You’ve been drinking a lot tonight. You hate alcohol.”

“I also hate you,”

“No, you don’t.”

“I don’t… I really don’t.” Eren winces and Jean rubs his back gently… maybe it’s the alcohol that’s caused a change of heart or seeing Eren so down but he’s suddenly less mad at him.

“You want some water or something?” His ex-boyfriend… /friend/ is silent for a few seconds before leaning against Jean. The tall blond is standing above him and he feels so small and secure leaning against his torso. 

“Were you happy with me?” There’s an easy answer and a hard answer. The answer is ultimately yes, a thousand times yes but he can’t explain why. Jean had asked himself many times why he liked Eren but, he could never come up with an answer to why they worked. Eren was just important to him. But… Eren never asked him to explain why, so he doesn’t.

“Yes.” There’s a hushed ‘oh’ that escapes the brunet’s pouty lips and despite quivers, he doesn’t weep. Not yet, anyway. “Were you happy?” He nods but doesn’t respond. Eren’s small hands cup the seat of the stool to hold himself in place and he looks up at Jean, emerald eyes mystified by how much time has past between now and the last time they were like this. One of Jean’s hands drops down the other’s back until it rests on the small of his ex’s back and he leans down to recover the space that’s been between their lips for far too long. His opposite hand cups Eren’s cheek and a smaller, tanner hand rests overtop his to hold him in place. He watches Eren’s eyes flutter shut just so he can watch those beautiful colors flicker out before closing his own eyes and releasing himself into the embrace. The guilt rises in his throat and makes him want to spit Eren’s tongue out but he can’t even if the other is cheating on Mikasa with him… selfishly all he can bring himself to care about is his own desires. The taste of liquor isn’t enough to intoxicate Jean because he’s already drunk on the promise that there will be more to come. This kiss means there’s crystalline stars left in the sky and a constellation that’s still dedicated to them somewhere out there in the solar system. But when Eren stops him and puts a finger over his lips, he feels the respire of reality clutch him once more and Jean’s crushing weight is more than he can take.

“Please don’t make me stop,”

“I’m not, I just…need a minute to take all of this in. It’s a lot.”

“You and Mikasa,” Jean can’t even entertain the idea of continuing without clarifying what’s going on between Eren and Mikasa. One of his hands rests carefully on the brunet’s hip and he’s being gentler than he ever has been with him.

“We broke up,” Eren pauses, making cautious eye contact with Jean. “I was still caught up on you. I still am caught up on you.” Jean smiles and it’s genuine. It comes so easily that he can’t help but laugh. Eren seems to be barely holding it together and the taller looks for any opportunity to brush his fingers through outgrown chocolate brown hair.

“Idiot… it’s okay, we don’t have to do this right now, y’know. We have forever to figure us out.”

There’s a moment of hesitation and Eren pulls away as if he has suddenly thought about where he is and what they’re doing. Jean can’t help the growing disappointment that mounts in his features.

“Yeah, forever.” Eren is just making everything more difficult than it has to be…right? Or at least, that’s what Jean assumed. It’s what he always presumed about the difficult male.

“You don’t sound so sure about that.” Uncertainty overcomes Jean and his hands drop to Eren’s elbows to hold onto him but he allows the brunet some space. “Eren say something.”

“Jean, just chill for a damn minute.” He leans forward, curling over in the bar stool so that his head rests against the taller male’s chest. “You’re always so damn restless.” Jean’s lips curve at the edges and that’s how he knows he’s still in love. The gentle rhythm of Jean’s heartbeat is enough to lull Eren back to reality and piercing green eyes stare upward at the tall blond who’s grown tired of standing. “Alright. where were we?”

“Here…” Jean’s hand laces into one of Eren’s smaller hands and yanks him from the stool rough enough that he lets out a grunt of exasperation. They return to the living room which has mostly cleared out, aside from Mikasa… and Marco. Both whom Jean had forgotten about. And now that they’re hand in hand, it’s abysmally obvious what they are so what’s the point in trying to hide it? Not that he’d want to hide it in any case and Eren doesn’t seem to want that either because he’s shoving Jean towards a vacant loveseat. The blond stumbles until he’s falling, his back hitting cushions that are littered with discarded (mostly empty) solo cups and jackets. He reaches under himself to shove them off the couch and he just barely recovers by the time Eren slams himself down onto his chest like a needy cat. “Woah, hey,”

“Mm, tired.”

“You’re drunk.”

“That too…” Jean brushes a strand of hair away from his lover’s eyes just as they flutter shut and when his gaze is finally fixated on the room around them, he realizes that the room isn’t as empty as he’d originally thought. Occasionally Marco will shoot him a troubled glance or Mikasa will look at Eren. Sasha and Connie are doing their own thing just as Ymir and Historia do… Jean swears he hears Reiner make a comment but, he’s drunk too.

“They’re all looking at you, Jaeger.” Eren’s body twitches but his eyes don’t open. Jean drags his hand gently over his lover’s shoulder. A kiss is placed on the brunet’s forehead and shockingly Eren leans into it. For the first time in months, everything seems fine and not even their history can bring Jean down.

“You’re lying. Why would they be?” Maybe Jean is a liar but in his intoxicated state, he’s too ecstatic to think. Too caught up in this momentary illusion. Eren has always been an unattainable dream, even when he’s within reach he’s still galaxies away and Jean will never learn to realize it. Even if he gets burnt a thousand times.

“Because you’re beautiful, idiot. And you’re too good for me…everyone can see it.” Blooming cheeks and peach colored lips tell Jean that Eren feels something, perhaps not love… but **something**. He’s starving for a sign of affection, but he waits, a wallflower in his own romance.

“You really think you’ll still feel that way tomorrow?”

“Will you still like me tomorrow?” Jean knows he’s being expectant, setting himself up to get hurt but he can’t help it.

“I…really hope so, Jeanbo.”


End file.
